School is often about friendships: how they start, how important they are, and what they mean to kids. However, another side of the coin is less discussed: mutual dislike. Kids who not only don’t like each other but actively avoid each other and think negatively about each other. What makes some kids more likely to end up in such enmities?

Researchers Mary Page Leggett-James, Michael Yoho, and Brett Laursen of Florida Atlantic University investigated this. Their study, published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence, followed more than 300 students ages 9 to 14 for a school year and looked at who didn’t like each other and how those relationships developed.

What did they find? Children with certain behaviours are likelier to end up in a situation of mutual dislike. Not surprisingly, children seen as aggressive or disruptive are more likely to make enemies. Children who are emotionally reactive and have difficulty controlling themselves are more likely to end up in a mutual dislike relationship. In other words, those who often get angry, are quick-tempered or irritate others often get that negativity back.

Surprisingly, school performance also plays a role. Children who perform well in class are less likely to make enemies. This could be because they are more positively integrated into the group or can concentrate more on schoolwork instead of arguments. On the other hand, children with low school results appear to get into a negative spiral more often. This can be due to frustration, envy, or the feeling that they are not appreciated. If that leads to irritation in others, it can lead to mutual antipathy.

The research shows that it is about who is unkind and how someone behaves within a group. Someone who is not well integrated into the group or has difficulty with social interactions is more likely to end up in a negative relationship. At the same time, this means that such situations are not always inevitable. If we teach children to deal better with emotions and social skills, we may be able to prevent them from ending up in a pattern of mutual aversion.

At school, friendships are important, but how you treat people you don’t like can also have major consequences. Maybe something to consider: not only who your friends are, but also how you treat those you don’t like.

Abstract of the study:

Mutual antipathies are characterized by reciprocated disliking. The current study identifies behavioral attributes that forecast participation in mutual antipathies. Participants were 313 (170 girls, 143 boys) Florida public school students (9–14 years old; M_age = 11.09, SD_age = 0.90) who thrice nominated disliked classmates during a single school year (approximately 6.5 weeks apart). Behavioral attributes assayed in the fall semester identified those currently involved in mutual antipathies (N = 101 dyads) and those prospectively involved in new mutual antipathies (N = 124 dyads). Youth involved in existing and new mutual antipathies were characterized by (a) low peer-reported academic achievement and prosocial behavior (prospective only, p = 0.06), (b) high peer-reported disruptiveness and aggression, and (c) high self-reported emotional problems (concurrent only) and emotional reactivity (prospective only). Thus, youth who behave in unattractive ways are disliked and they tend to return the sentiment.