I came across a video featuring journalist and researcher Amanda Ripley, discussing how to communicate more effectively during conflict. Her work provides insights into better communication in conflict situations.

We’ve all found ourselves in conversations that no longer feel like conversations. The tone sharpens, positions harden, and at some point, it’s no longer about the issue, but about the person. That’s what Ripley calls “high conflict” – a state in which the conflict itself becomes the goal.

In the video “A Simple Tool for Better Communication During Toxic Conflict,” available at the bottom of this post, Ripley explains what happens when people don’t feel heard. Not just a little, but fundamentally. According to her research, only about five per cent of people in an average conversation feel genuinely understood. And that feeling of being heard determines whether a conflict escalates or not.

Ripley introduces a simple technique called looping. She learned it from mediators and conflict researchers, but it applies to almost any situation – staff meetings, classroom discussions, or family conversations.

The principle is straightforward:

• Listen with the intention to understand, not to win.

• Rephrase what you heard in your own words.

• Check if you’ve got it right: “Have I understood you correctly?”

• Go deeper by asking: “What would make this better for you?”
  Only then, share your own perspective.

The effect can be profound. Once people sense that you’re genuinely trying to understand them, the dynamic shifts. Tension eases, and the conversation moves from confrontation to cooperation. As Ripley puts it, people calm down when they feel heard.

The technique requires practice, especially when emotions are running high. But those who use it regularly notice something remarkable: most conflicts don’t disappear. They become more human. And that, in itself, is a real gain.